embrace the Camera {Mar1 my love}

Buggie has always been emotional type of kiddie.

But as of late it seems to be in full force.

Not sure if its because she is turning 6 in two months, but lately she has been saying things like "Momma I liked it when I was little."

"Momma I NEVER want to leave you, never ever."

Then after asking her why, she will say "I was cute and little."

We keep reassuring her, that getting bigger is super fun.

Like when she and Mommy get to go get froyo on a random week night...

And that no matter how big is gets, she will ALWAYS be my little baby girl. And I will always be there for her, to love, to nourish, and to have a good snuggle with.

Oh my sweet Buggie...

Mom in the Shot {Jan 19th I am a Mom, always learning and adapting}

When I started writing this post it started out humorous.

All about me embarrassing my kids with public displays of affection and how I will try to make them do this forever and ever.

But then my mind got serious looking at this image.

Tears weld up and flowed all over my keyboard.

Wasn't sure why at first.

But then I realized what was going on.

I was afraid.

I was afraid that my own guilt about things might bring insecurities of their own.

That my wanting them to stay forever my little babies might bring moments of doubt of who they are or should be.

That loving on them as fiercely as I do, could make them dependent on me and not the independent thinkers I know they should be.

And most of all that my dreams for them will cloud their own.

I know these feelings may dissipate and just be replaced with new mommyhood insecurities.

Or they may always be there.

Learning the best thing I can do when these moments happen, is to take deep breathes and let the tears come.

Because when I suppress them, the my world gets smaller and my emotions become more intense, creating a claustrophobic effect in my chest = no bueno.

Another thing that helps is blogging these feelings and hearing from you all, that I am not alone.

So, now I ask, any mommyhood insecurities you want to get off your chest?

Please share.

As always linking up with Em.

Mom in the shot {Nov 10th Remember to live in the moment}

Life is so busy.

Things happening everyday.

Schedules to follow.

Play dates, lunch dates, and errands fill up the space in between.

The other day I was tired.

Tired of feeling like I had seconds to breath and regroup before moving onto the next thing.

Then I decided we needed a day off, well when I say "we" I mean, Bean and I, Hubs still had work and Buggie school.

But Bean and I lived in the moment.

Which for us meant some super silly photo moments. When Em started Embrace the Camera, I knew it was important, but honestly the gravity of it has grown more on me with each and every post. Will Bean look back at these photos of his Mom with fond memories, I sure hope so because thats the goal here folks. These moments when Mommy put on silly masks with him and made funny faces in the computer, he now has these photos to remember it was not all Mommy dragging him around all day.

Then we went outside for a snack picnic. Where we shared grapes, hummus, and cherry tomatoes. It was just us and the birds flying high in the sky. Life moves around us, stop and watch it sometimes, you might learn something about it.

Because I sure did on this day.

I learned I need more of these days in my life.

It left me refreshed with a new sense of love and worth for my family.

My favorite moment of our day, was laying on our blanket in the shade of the tree, pointing to the the clouds as they slowing passed by us. And just listening, listening to my little boy ramble about the clouds, birds, Toy Story, Cars 2, and dinosaurs. These are the moments that make life sweet. Moments I will always remember and now we have captured for my little 2 year old to look back on and know his Mommy took time out of our hectic life to just be.

I linked up with Em.

You should too, promise it is SOO worth it.

Her name was Jats.

She was our first baby.

A little girl.

We adopted her when she was 7 weeks, weighing in at 8.6lbs.

When we decided to go get a dog, we had only been together for about 6 mnths.

Some people did not think it was the best idea.

But we did it anyways.

When we were at the breeders house, Hubs had this big boy pup in his lap.

And we were pretty much set on him.

When I picked up his little sister.

And held her up to my face and she let out a little burp.

We both laughed and knew she was ours!

Her name was something we did as a silly newly in love couple.

Jats, is our first and middle initials, corny I know.

She was a handful. As any puppy can be.

We loved her beyond words. She was our furbaby.

Over the past almost eleven years that she graced our lives, she grew into the most gentle soul.

One that welcomed a little sister and then a little brother. She was protective but sweet. She never once ate a toy of theirs, well except one little penguin did loss a limb, but honestly not even sure it was her.

Over the past month, she stopped eating her dog food. I had taken to the vet and the blood work was normal. So we thought maybe it was she getting old, she had just turned 10, and we needed to adjust her diet.

But last saturday, she just stopped eating. So we got her into the vet right away. Where more tests were done and it was determined she had a large tumor on her spleen. They were not sure whether it was cancer or not.

On Tuesday, Hubs took her to a vet specialist, where she had an ultrasound. And based on that they still could not tell if it was cancer. Hubs and I had talked different scenarios thru before he had taken her. But until you are faced with them, you really can't figure out the magnitude of them. So over the phone we had to make an extremely hard decision. Now some of you may think, "wow its just a dog." , but when that dog has become a family member, she is not just "A" dog, she is our dog. One that we love deeply.

We talked about if we did the surgery and it was cancer, then what, chemo?! And is that fair to her, just for her to give US another year with her? Or if it was not cancer, what kind of life would she have after it? There was no "no surgery" option, if she came home she would be coming home to die. And I would not do that to her and I would not do that to my children.

So we made the heart wrenching decision to let her go.

{this print my uncle made for us years ago of her and it hangs in our stairway}

Hubs got to take her for one last walk. Then he and the vet sat in a little room where he got to hold her, well she fell asleep. I am not going to lie, crying typing this right now, I did not think this was going to effect me as bad as it has. I knew I would be upset, but I did not think the uncontrollable crying would have lasted this long.

Its the little things that get me. Coming in the door and her not greeting me with her tail wagging a toy hanging in her mouth. Or hanging with me in the kitchen vacuuming up my dropping when I cook. Or like the other day when Bean was napping and the mail lady rang the doorbell, I went to catch her before she started barking, and there was silence. Hubs has been having a hard time at night. He has had the same night time routine with her over the 10 years, and its gone, she is gone. Buggie has taken it well, but I think she just does not get it. She has said things that make my heart hurt, "Momma Jatsy is not going to be able to check on me at night." Or "Momma Jatsy lives in my whole heart."

I am sure our home will feel complete again, but right now there is a huge hole.

I love you sweet baby girl.

Did you really just say that?!

My kids love each other something fierce.

Yes they fight and yes they yell at each other.

But they love each other most of all...

He says "look." Then shoves two binkies in his mouth...

This was his Dad's idea. But some how I had the aftermath of it...

My Buggies imagination makes me smile EVERYDAY. This was all her idea and she giggled the whole time...

Then there is this kid...

So you may or may not know but I had to go to the mini ER to get iv fluids last week for dehydration from the stomach bug. My Hubs had a flight that morning at 7 am, he was standing at the gate about to hand over his ticket when he decided to come home, and boy was I glad he did. Cause then around 4 that afternoon I said " I need to go to the ER." So we called my MIL and she came straight from work to watch the kiddies and off we went. When we got there it was empty to my relief. I went and sat down while Hubs checked me in. And when he came back over to the chairs he had this little smirk on his face. And if you know my husband smirks are pretty frequent but they usually are followed by something pretty darn funny.

Me "What?" {knowing I might regret asking}

Hubs "Nothing." {smirk a little bigger}

Me "Come on, just tell me." {talking about setting myself up}

Hubs "Can you please tell the dr when he asks what wrong..."

{OH what the hell is he about to say...}

Hubs "that you have the squirts?!"

{at the mere utter of the word squirts he is now about to giggle like a 5 yr old school boy}

Me "Um NO!!!" {I could have thrown something at him if I had the strength.}

Hubs "OH come on, I dare you. $100 bucks to tell him you have the hersey squirts"

Then my name was called.

For the record I did not tell the dr I had any form of the squirts. And I look back at the conversation now and snort laugh. Honestly I mean did he really dare me to say that?! I love him.

Oh and take my advice GO read this blog post. I LAUGHED SO HARD!!!

Happy birthday baby boy.

As your life began a year ago today, mine was filled with more love then I

sometimes know what to do with.

This year has been one of love, laughs and growing.

Your sister made me a Mommy but you sweet boy completed me.

My heart can not contain the love I have for you.

I wish you a very happy birthday

and a second year filled with adventure, a boat load more laughs, and a ton of love.

XOXO

The days are warm...

and the setting sun has a low hanging effect.

As if to say it is not ready for bed.

There is a slight breeze that lifts your hair off you shoulders and gives you the most calming

feeling.

You find yourself taking a deep breath trying to suck all the love and life out of the air.

You close your eyes and listen.

You can hear the smiles across your kids faces.

These are the days I live for.

I love you Buggie and Jellybean.

Thank you for making me a Mommy and giving me the most amazing life.

To my best friend.

You are our comic relief.

You are our provider.

You are our leader.

You are our snuggler.

You are our shoulder to cry on.

You are our world.

Each and everyday I thank God for bringing you into my life.

And for giving me the best father for our children I could have asked for.

Remember that you are loved unconditionally not just today but EVERYDAY.

I love you Hubby more then buttons have holes.

BHH.

Above the bond.

I was worried when he came.

Not just the newborn worries but deeper worries.

On the ride home from the hospital, I cried.

Sobbing.

You know the UGLY kind.

I was worried that I was not going to bond with my little boy.

See when Buggie was born, I was drawn to her.

I needed her, I did not want to be without her for one second.

Bean was different. He was loved but the need was not that deep.

It makes me tear up writing that.

Would time make that need deepen?

{oh he is SO stinkin cute, shirt from Little Pinwheel}

Time has passed {6 mnths soon!}. And my little boy holds my heart tight.

I have come to realize that love comes in so many varieties. My love for my daughter is and will always be different then my love of my son. But thats ok. They are different, so the love for them will also be. I love them for so many reasons, a lot the same but a lot not.

{she did not want her picture taken, but I just had to capture her accessories}

All I can do everyday is tell them HOW much I love them. Encourage their uniqueness, differences, and NOT compare.

I am not perfect but I am trying to make sure I do not mess this up.

Its has to be one of the most important jobs I have as their Mommy.

And that is a job I do not take lightly.

Love, Hope and Prayer...

There few times in life when we all lean heavily on these. Since last Friday we here in Central Florida having been using them greatly. Thats when a local 11 year old girl went missing. Nadia Bloom {who I feel I need to mention has autism} , was found this morning in a swampy area a mile from her home after 5 days. She was found with only bug bites and dehydration. God bless the Bloom family.

What a celebration of life!

Read more about her story here.