finding my place.

I feel like I am living Ground Hogs Day.

You know the movie where Bill Murray wakes up over and over to the same day.

"Phil?! Phil Conor?!"

Thats me.

Waking and doing.

Doing the same things day in and day out.

So while I sit and fold my fifth load of laundry or stand at the sink for the third time that day, my mind starts wondering...

Is this me.

Is this what I am supposed to be doing?

One thing I know for a fact that I am meant to be, is a Mom.

It centers me.

But.

And I truly hate saying this and feeling this way.

There are days where my heart longs for something else.

Dear sweet baby Jesus, I wish they were it and I could move on with the school drop offs, diaper changing, cleaning, and fight negotiations, and feel like I did it.

I did what I was meant to do.

But I am afraid.

I am afraid of resentment.

I am afraid of regret.

I am afraid of the what ifs.

I am afraid of not loving myself.

My kids give me more then I could have ever imagined.

But somehow there is always a feeling of something missing.

Is that something the "real" me?

Will next week I wake up to a new day, of this feeling gone?

Maybe.

It seems to move like the seasons through me.

Always changing.

I know this single post will not bring answers.

But putting it out there maybe it will stir some to the surface.

But in the meantime, I am a back to making enough memories for my kids to last a lifetime.

Did you really just say that?!

My kids love each other something fierce.

Yes they fight and yes they yell at each other.

But they love each other most of all...

He says "look." Then shoves two binkies in his mouth...

This was his Dad's idea. But some how I had the aftermath of it...

My Buggies imagination makes me smile EVERYDAY. This was all her idea and she giggled the whole time...

Then there is this kid...

So you may or may not know but I had to go to the mini ER to get iv fluids last week for dehydration from the stomach bug. My Hubs had a flight that morning at 7 am, he was standing at the gate about to hand over his ticket when he decided to come home, and boy was I glad he did. Cause then around 4 that afternoon I said " I need to go to the ER." So we called my MIL and she came straight from work to watch the kiddies and off we went. When we got there it was empty to my relief. I went and sat down while Hubs checked me in. And when he came back over to the chairs he had this little smirk on his face. And if you know my husband smirks are pretty frequent but they usually are followed by something pretty darn funny.

Me "What?" {knowing I might regret asking}

Hubs "Nothing." {smirk a little bigger}

Me "Come on, just tell me." {talking about setting myself up}

Hubs "Can you please tell the dr when he asks what wrong..."

{OH what the hell is he about to say...}

Hubs "that you have the squirts?!"

{at the mere utter of the word squirts he is now about to giggle like a 5 yr old school boy}

Me "Um NO!!!" {I could have thrown something at him if I had the strength.}

Hubs "OH come on, I dare you. $100 bucks to tell him you have the hersey squirts"

Then my name was called.

For the record I did not tell the dr I had any form of the squirts. And I look back at the conversation now and snort laugh. Honestly I mean did he really dare me to say that?! I love him.

Oh and take my advice GO read this blog post. I LAUGHED SO HARD!!!

The days are warm...

and the setting sun has a low hanging effect.

As if to say it is not ready for bed.

There is a slight breeze that lifts your hair off you shoulders and gives you the most calming

feeling.

You find yourself taking a deep breath trying to suck all the love and life out of the air.

You close your eyes and listen.

You can hear the smiles across your kids faces.

These are the days I live for.

I love you Buggie and Jellybean.

Thank you for making me a Mommy and giving me the most amazing life.