Tuesday, December 20, 2011

finding my place.

I feel like I am living Ground Hogs Day.
You know the movie where Bill Murray wakes up over and over to the same day.
"Phil?! Phil Conor?!"
Thats me.
Waking and doing.
Doing the same things day in and day out.
So while I sit and fold my fifth load of laundry or stand at the sink for the third time that day, my mind starts wondering...
Is this me.
Is this what I am supposed to be doing?


One thing I know for a fact that I am meant to be, is a Mom.
It centers me.
But.
And I truly hate saying this and feeling this way.
There are days where my heart longs for something else.



Dear sweet baby Jesus, I wish they were it and I could move on with the school drop offs, diaper changing, cleaning, and fight negotiations, and feel like I did it.
I did what I was meant to do.


But I am afraid.
I am afraid of resentment.
I am afraid of regret.
I am afraid of the what ifs.
I am afraid of not loving myself.


My kids give me more then I could have ever imagined.
But somehow there is always a feeling of something missing.
Is that something the "real" me?


Will next week I wake up to a new day, of this feeling gone?
Maybe.
It seems to move like the seasons through me.
Always changing.


I know this single post will not bring answers.
But putting it out there maybe it will stir some to the surface.
But in the meantime, I am a back to making enough memories for my kids to last a lifetime.

14 comments:

Lindsey Taber said...

I totally know what you mean and have felt that way at times. I just have to trust that I am where I am supposed to be in the life i am supposed to be living.

Joy said...

Big huge hugs to you, dear friend. I feel the same way sometimes and it does get frustrating, but it's something that we all go through, I think. Though, I don't have answers, I just know that the feeling passes and I go on. I also keep reminding myself that life is too short and that seems to pull me out of my murky yucky feeling.

Oh, and sometimes, I go and get myself a delicious box of cookies and/or a really greasy burger and a cold bottle of dos xx that seems to help... You know my type and food.

Big hugs again.

Sarah said...

You just totally spoke my mind...xx

Ashley said...

I've been struggling through this on and off as well. Right now the pull to work and do other things, isn't as strong as the feeling of need to be with my daughter, so I'll stay right where I am.

Sending hugs your way. Motherhood is absolutely not easy, but you seem to do a damn good job at it. Whatever makes you the best person YOU can be is the right decision.

Dee said...

Wow! I felt like I was reading my own mind through this post. Thank you for being so honest, I thought I was alone...

Joni said...

i often feel this way. and surprisingly, it often hits me around this time of year. more so, right after christmas when cabin fever starts to set in. sending hugs your way!

emily said...

we all feel this way---you're normal.

keep your chin up, friend...you are right where you need to be!

Hespyhesp said...

I think most of us feel this way. And I think it's probably a good thing. Just because you always want to do more, be better... doesn't mean you aren't necessarily happy or grateful for what you have. I think it just shows that we want to better our worlds... for us and for those around us.

Shell in your Pocket said...

Enjoy every minute- it goes so fast!!! Everyone at times has those feelings surface- do something good with them!

sandy toe

Jessica West Judkins said...

I love you sweet friend, your a wonderful mom and when your kiddos grow up they are able to look back with a smile on their faces with the amazing childhood you have given them. Sure you can be the CEO to any company. I know a handful of people who would hire you in a heartbeat. But right now the Lord has you right where he wants you to be. He needed someone with your personality, with your heart to be these wonderful angels mother.

xoxo

The Crazy Castros said...

I understand~ I work as a nurse three days a week I love it! I too feel guilty for loving my job. I love being w my sweet babes but I do enjoy the adult conv. and time. We all have days like this keep your chin up girlie it will a work out ;)))

Sarah said...

Merry Christmas and a happy new year! God bless you! xoxo ♥

Megan said...

I've been feeling the same way... thank you for reminding me I'm not the only one :)

Sophia cox said...

This is a feeling I and I'm sure many other moms feel many times... It's such a awful thing to feel bad for how you feel! Talk about a double downer!! For me this comes and goes, but what I have found to help me is my art and the hopes of creating some kind of career that I can do from home while still being the best mom I can.... I hope your spirits are lifted and you know what a truly wonderful mom you are ��