The sting of rejection

I am pretty good about keeping myself inside the safe bubble I have created.  The one who lets people in at small intervals and never finds me pushing outward to the point of it thinning and holding my breath for the thunderous sound of it popping.  But a little over a month ago, I got the taste of something I did not even have on my radar, something that had me licking my lips in anticipation of that "POP".

For the past 7 years, I have been Hub's Wifie, and Buggie and Bean's Momma, at home taking care of my fam bam, wiping bums, cooking meals, folding laundry, and making memories.  The world I controlled and created.  But when I was approached for what was described as "the most perfect part time job" with a company I knew well and enjoyed, I felt my hand reaching for that bubble.  This was my year, the year I was going to work on myself.  And to think I could have my at home life and something outside it just for me, was beyond exciting.  I went through the interview process, each time moving to the next step.  After each interview, Hubs would say, "Are you sure this is something you want?  The stress? You can stop it at any point."  But it was something I wanted, something I never knew I wanted.  

Fast forward to two weeks ago, I happened to be going to NYC for a girls weekend.  I had been trying to schedule the very last interview with the Managing Director of the North American division of the company.  YEP THAT BIG.  So I thought maybe I could go to their offices in the city and meet with her in person, HOLY PUSHING THAT BUBBLE PAST ITS BREAKING POINT PEOPLE.  

{here I am about to walk into said BIG TIME interview}

After I woke up that morning and put on my big girl panties, hopped on the subway, found the office building, sat and spoke with them for over an hour.  I left feeling energized.  I felt like I was me, not just wifie or momma, but me.  Dare I say I felt important or valued?  Not in the big hugs from my kids, or thank yous and kisses from my husband kind of way.  No in a way that they could never give me.  After an amazing trip, I found myself at home waiting to hear back.

And when that call came on Tuesday, I knew, I knew that my bubble was about to "POP" but not with confetti and champagne.  No, my bubble pop with tears and rejection.

What did I say wrong?  What could I have done differently?  Would this or that had made a difference?

The whats and woulds, flooded my head.

Rejection sucks.

No way around it.

It creates self doubt.

Second guessing, triple guessing, and even fourth guessing.

Different scenarios playing on a loop.

I was not good enough.

Lucky for me I had a pre-planned trip for a mini staycation with the kiddlets.

Just the three of us, hanging with some friends.

I found myself doubling up on my bubble. Two layers to protect me.  Two layers between me and all the things I fear.  But this time I snuck something with me in that double bubble, hope.  Hope of finding something for me, something that will allow me to do my number one job of making memories but giving me that much needed "me time".  That hope is like a needle prick, a slow releasing escape of air, giving way to something I crave, something for me.   One day that prick will turn into something bigger, I know it will. But until then, I hold onto the moments in time I am creating for my family.

XO